creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
User talk:HP Spookcraft
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Stop that, it tickles page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 00:35, April 18, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:38, April 18, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Besides the punctuation (" "I need some cool air in here(comma missing)" he half", ""Bradley stop that, it tickles(comma missing)" Justin giggled,", hyphens missing from hyphenated words or cut off sentences ""What the?(-)"" A number of instances where a commas should have been used instead of a period to complete a sentence: " walked over to the window. Shutting it closed.", "He never did open that window again(period missing)"), capitalization (""Bradley!" He (he) squealed.", ""No no no," The (the) man said", ""What the fuck!" The man yelled ", etc.), and wording issues ("Justin felt his bladder loosen and his underwear become soaking wet.", "Justin awoke to the soft sound of rain pummeling itself against the glass of his bedroom window.", "The hot summer night had caused him to abandon his blanket so as he lay there, clad in only his white boxer briefs he just began to drift into unconsciousness when he felt something wet and soft slide along the sole of his foot", etc.) Story issues: ""I'm too old to be scared of the dark," he asserted. "Thirteen and a half years old."" Why is the protagonist expositioning all this info exactly? He already talked about leaving the window open and now he's randomly giving his age. It feels out of place in the story (especially since it's told from a third person perspective so this info could be incorporated into the story in a much easier manner. Why exactly would he just lay there with his eyes closed and let his 'dog' lick him? It feels like a real stretch that he would just lay there with his eyes closed and let his dog lick him without trying to stop him especially if he's trying to sleep. Story issues cont.: There's a real lack of description here and the fact that this man has snuck into Jason's room, licked him, shouted, got into a fight, shrieked inhumanely and leapt out of the window all without alerting the parents. Additionally a lot of your paragraphs are just one or two sentences long which gives the story an anemic feel on top of the real lack of plot progression, description, and lack of build-up. I'm sorry but this story needs a lot of work to make this generic premise work and even then, there are a lot of other stories that tells a very similar premise with much more focus on the horror of the situation. I suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as there are a lot of issues here for a very short story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:51, April 18, 2016 (UTC) :^ EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:59, April 18, 2016 (UTC)